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April 10, 1998     Jewish News
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Resolving Conflict April 10, 1998 Listen to what others .are saying (Editor's Note: Communicating is an important element in any relationship nd this involves both talking and listening. Dr. Terri Colby BarrY" column, "'Resolv- ing Conflict," will appear at irregular intervals in issues of the Southeastern Virginia Jewish News. Dr. Barr is presi- dent of Consensus, a professional part- nership offering services in management and dispute resolution. Dr. Barr has a MSW in Social Work, a M.Ed. in Guid- ance Counseling, a Masters in Urban Studies and a Ph.D. in Urban Manage- ment.) By Dr. Terri Colby Barr "What amazes me most..." "I just cannot fathom how..." "He couldn't mean..." "I don't see how..." "I cannot believe..." "In my wildest imagination I never thought..." "To tell you the truth..." "The bottom line is..." Who hasn't used and heard these phrases countless times. Each one of them is familiar to our ears as "Have a good day," or "Good Shabbos." We use them as lead-ins in our every day conversations. We say them so frequently that we don't even really hear ourselves anymore. No one really even pays them any attention. They are the intro- ductory phrase that is to be fol- lowed by some statement expressing our exasiaeration, like an "Oy Vey." That exasperation is over someone else's com- ments, attitudes, opinions, or behavior. These phrases are merely trite little clauses we tack on to the important messages. Or are they? There is a tremendous amount of information and emis (truth) to be gleaned from these phrases if we will just listen to what people are really telling us. The speaker is "dying to tell us" (another of the phrases) some- thing, something incredibly valuable to us. All we have to do is pay attention. And listen. My father in-law has a favorite expression he likes to use, "God gave you two eyes, two ears, and only one mouth for a reason." We need to heed that wisdom. It sounds so simple: listen. Unfortunately, we are a nation of talkers, not listeners. The speak- er talks and what are we doing? We are busy making ready our comments to their statements. (Right now, as you read these words, you are probably ready- ing your response.) We are so busy working on our reply that, while the speaker carries on, immersed in what she/he is say- ing, we are off in Egocentric Land putting together our pearls of wisdom to share with them. And because we want our response to be convincing we are concentrating on putting it together and remembering what" we are going to say whenever they give us our opening. What we end up doing is talk- ing at one another, rather than to Dr. Terri Colby Barr one another. While we are very good at talking to one another. we don't listen very well. We have to consider this underdevel- oped talent of listening as a chal- lenge. There is something you can do. The question is why would we want to listen? The ultimate goal of a discussion is to win the other speaker over to your point of view. "Face it" (another telling Phrase), when you relate a story to a sympathetic for even a hostile) listener you want them to agree with you. Whether you are arguing a point or venting about a problem it is all the same thing. There is your perspective (the right one) and the other per- spective. That is the American Way. So, if the point is to wm the listener (I use that word loosely) over to your point of view then anything you can do to help with that is an important tool. Listen- ing carefully to the hidden mes- sages is a valuable tool and it will make you a winning speak- er. After all, isn't that what we aim for in a discussion? So, what is this key to winning a discus- sion? It is to listen very carefully to what the speaker is telling you. Unwittingly, perhaps, the speaker is telling us exactly what his/her problems are with our position. What chutzpah we have to read between the lines and be able to decifer the "hidden code" in their message. For example, when a speaker says to me: Southeastern Virginia Jewish News 9 MAZEL TOV TO ... IIIIII I r Those wishing to submit releases fir the Mazel Ibv column may send them to Mazel ?b: Southeastern Virginia Jewish News. 5029 Corporate .Woods Drive. Suite 225 ,'tmia Beach. Virginia 23462-4376. Please include a telephone number, and lype all submis- sions. Our E-mail address is ujft@ ujft.org) "I don't see how... ...that could have happened" ...you can do that" ...that makes any difference to me" LISTEN to what they are say- ing. They are saying to you "I .don't get this." They are letting you know that, for them, "It doesn't make sense." They are stating, explicitly, that there is no way for them to wrap their imag- ination around the thing you are so anxious_for them to believe, You, the speaker, need to heed this warning and help your listener to be able to "see" what you are saying. As unbelievable as it may sound, they are telling you that they need to be able to visualize what you are saying. Your listener will tell you what is wrong with the way you are saying it. Now it is your job to fix it. Accomplishments Dr. Stephen Druckerof Cambridge, Mass., has been appointed Assistant Professor of Chemistry at the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire. Dr. Drucker is the son of Rosalind and Gary Drucker of Virginia Beach. and the grandson of the late Thelma and Ezra Reich of Norfolk. Dr. Drucker and his wife. Diane, daughter of Gloria and Richard Walkoff of West- port. Conn.. will reside in Eau Claire, Wisc. Bar Mitzvah Jason Wagner, son of Jodv and Dr. Alan Wagner, celebrated his Bar Mitzvah on Saturday, March 28 at Beth El Temple. Jason is the grandson of Sylvia Wagner of Omaha. Neb. and Robert Wagner (of blessed mem- ory) and Sally Moses of Ft. Lauderdale, Fla, and Lee Moses (of blessed memory). YL Progressive Dinner "Thank Yo" to the hosts of the Young Leadership Progessive Shabbat Dinner on March 27. We couldn't have done it without you[ Jodi and Jay Klebanoff; Debby and Fred Fink; Leah and Phil Schwartz; Darcy and Robert Bloch; Shaft and Bruce Berman; Rabbi Arthur and Miriam Ruberg; Lori and Michael Glasser; Amy and Kirk Levy; Paul Peck; Rabbi Joseph and Melissa Friedman; Helen and David Wolfe; Terri and Lonny Sarfan; Marcy and Larry Peck; Cantor Jacob and Cyndi Tessler; Sheila Panitz; Toni and Michael Grossman; Rabbi Aaron and Rychel Margolin; Laurence and Caren Kutler; and, Ann and Herb Zukerman. "p" V V V V V "p" "lv V Creative Gifts 44 Janet Molofs - Shelley Slone SECRETARY'S DAY From individual to office size, our spectacular gifts are overflowing with good things to eat and to keep. L (757)625-7421 AAAAAAAAA our counselors are good listeners. Call us! illl JFS Clinical Services Call us at 473-2695. Aaron Michael Barham will celebrate his Rar Mitzvah on Saturday, Apri 25 at Beth El Temple. He is the son of Ronald and Marshal Barham. His mater- nal grandparents were Robert and Rebecca Rosenbaum /of blessed memory). His paternal grandmother is Mrs. Nell Barham and his paternal grandfa- ther is O.P. Barham. Sr. (of blessed memory). Engagements Ruth Ann Peltz and Scott Moscovitz on their recent engagement. Ruth Ann is the daughter of Janet and Gerald Peltz of Newport News and the granddaughter of Evelyn Weise of Baltimore. Scott is the son of Ronnie and Jack Moscovitz of Portsmouth and the grandson of AI Hermelin of Norfolk An August wedding is planned. Honors Dr. Arthur Kaplan, who was presented with an Endowment Achievement Award which was originally announced at the recent General Assembly in Indi- anapolis. Dr. Kaplan was given kudos at a recent meeting of the Board of the Tidewater Jewish Foundation for the fine efforts and leadership which he has pro- vided the Foundation and the commumty. I J a Free Parking ...... Never a Room Charge Park '[.,'Ot(r m at the Park comprises: floor space. The feelin !a 'truly upscale affairs, lot is well lit and available at no charge. Hits at the Park is Handicap accsible. Hits at the Park is available for private parties all during the off  _ _ season from September through March. During the season the facility is available on all non-game days for evening functions, and virtually any day for luncheon affairs. For All ow Catari Needs 150 Park Avenue co,aa Norfolk, Vlrglnla 13510 emu  I' 1 I I 11 [11 J I