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Resolving Conflict
April 10, 1998
Listen to what others .are saying
(Editor's Note: Communicating is an
important element in any relationship nd
this involves both talking and listening.
Dr. Terri Colby BarrY" column, "'Resolv-
ing Conflict," will appear at irregular
intervals in issues of the Southeastern
Virginia Jewish News. Dr. Barr is presi-
dent of Consensus, a professional part-
nership offering services in management
and dispute resolution. Dr. Barr has a
MSW in Social Work, a M.Ed. in Guid-
ance Counseling, a Masters in Urban
Studies and a Ph.D. in Urban Manage-
ment.)
By Dr. Terri Colby Barr
"What amazes me most..."
"I just cannot fathom how..."
"He couldn't mean..."
"I don't see how..."
"I cannot believe..."
"In my wildest imagination I
never thought..."
"To tell you the truth..."
"The bottom line is..."
Who hasn't used and heard
these phrases countless times.
Each one of them is familiar to
our ears as "Have a good day,"
or "Good Shabbos." We use
them as lead-ins in our every day
conversations. We say them so
frequently that we don't even
really hear ourselves anymore.
No one really even pays them
any attention. They are the intro-
ductory phrase that is to be fol-
lowed by some statement
expressing our exasiaeration, like
an "Oy Vey." That exasperation
is over someone else's com-
ments, attitudes, opinions, or
behavior. These phrases are
merely trite little clauses we tack
on to the important messages. Or
are they?
There is a tremendous
amount of information and emis
(truth) to be gleaned from these
phrases if we will just listen to
what people are really telling us.
The speaker is "dying to tell us"
(another of the phrases) some-
thing, something incredibly
valuable to us. All we have to do
is pay attention. And listen. My
father in-law has a favorite
expression he likes to use, "God
gave you two eyes, two ears, and
only one mouth for a reason."
We need to heed that wisdom.
It sounds so simple: listen.
Unfortunately, we are a nation of
talkers, not listeners. The speak-
er talks and what are we doing?
We are busy making ready our
comments to their statements.
(Right now, as you read these
words, you are probably ready-
ing your response.) We are so
busy working on our reply that,
while the speaker carries on,
immersed in what she/he is say-
ing, we are off in Egocentric
Land putting together our pearls
of wisdom to share with them.
And because we want our
response to be convincing we are
concentrating on putting it
together and remembering what"
we are going to say whenever
they give us our opening.
What we end up doing is talk-
ing at one another, rather than to
Dr. Terri
Colby Barr
one another. While we are very
good at talking to one another.
we don't listen very well. We
have to consider this underdevel-
oped talent of listening as a chal-
lenge. There is something you
can do.
The question is why would
we want to listen? The ultimate
goal of a discussion is to win the
other speaker over to your point
of view. "Face it" (another
telling Phrase), when you relate
a story to a sympathetic for even
a hostile) listener you want them
to agree with you. Whether you
are arguing a point or venting
about a problem it is all the same
thing. There is your perspective
(the right one) and the other per-
spective. That is the American
Way.
So, if the point is to wm the
listener (I use that word loosely)
over to your point of view then
anything you can do to help with
that is an important tool. Listen-
ing carefully to the hidden mes-
sages is a valuable tool and it
will make you a winning speak-
er. After all, isn't that what we
aim for in a discussion? So, what
is this key to winning a discus-
sion? It is to listen very carefully
to what the speaker is telling
you. Unwittingly, perhaps, the
speaker is telling us exactly what
his/her problems are with our
position. What chutzpah we have
to read between the lines and be
able to decifer the "hidden code"
in their message.
For example, when a speaker
says to me:
Southeastern Virginia Jewish News 9
MAZEL TOV TO ...
IIIIII I
r Those wishing to submit releases fir the Mazel Ibv column may send them to Mazel ?b:
Southeastern Virginia Jewish News. 5029 Corporate .Woods Drive. Suite 225 ,'tmia
Beach. Virginia 23462-4376. Please include a telephone number, and lype all submis-
sions. Our E-mail address is ujft@ ujft.org)
"I don't see how...
...that could have happened"
...you can do that"
...that makes any difference
to me"
LISTEN to what they are say-
ing.
They are saying to you "I
.don't get this." They are letting
you know that, for them, "It
doesn't make sense." They are
stating, explicitly, that there is no
way for them to wrap their imag-
ination around the thing you are
so anxious_for them to believe,
You, the speaker, need to
heed this warning and help your
listener to be able to "see" what
you are saying. As unbelievable
as it may sound, they are telling
you that they need to be able to
visualize what you are saying.
Your listener will tell you what
is wrong with the way you are
saying it. Now it is your job to
fix it.
Accomplishments
Dr. Stephen Druckerof
Cambridge, Mass., has been
appointed Assistant Professor of
Chemistry at the University of
Wisconsin-Eau Claire. Dr.
Drucker is the son of Rosalind
and Gary Drucker of Virginia
Beach. and the grandson of the
late Thelma and Ezra Reich of
Norfolk. Dr. Drucker and his
wife. Diane, daughter of Gloria
and Richard Walkoff of West-
port. Conn.. will reside in Eau
Claire, Wisc.
Bar Mitzvah
Jason Wagner, son of Jodv
and Dr. Alan Wagner, celebrated
his Bar Mitzvah on Saturday,
March 28 at Beth El Temple.
Jason is the grandson of Sylvia
Wagner of Omaha. Neb. and
Robert Wagner (of blessed mem-
ory) and Sally Moses of Ft.
Lauderdale, Fla, and Lee Moses
(of blessed memory).
YL Progressive Dinner
"Thank Yo" to the hosts of the Young Leadership Progessive
Shabbat Dinner on March 27. We couldn't have done it without
you[
Jodi and Jay Klebanoff; Debby and Fred Fink; Leah and Phil
Schwartz; Darcy and Robert Bloch; Shaft and Bruce Berman;
Rabbi Arthur and Miriam Ruberg; Lori and Michael Glasser;
Amy and Kirk Levy; Paul Peck; Rabbi Joseph and Melissa
Friedman; Helen and David Wolfe; Terri and Lonny Sarfan;
Marcy and Larry Peck; Cantor Jacob and Cyndi Tessler; Sheila
Panitz; Toni and Michael Grossman; Rabbi Aaron and Rychel
Margolin; Laurence and Caren Kutler; and, Ann and Herb
Zukerman.
"p" V V V V V "p" "lv V
Creative Gifts 44
Janet Molofs - Shelley Slone
SECRETARY'S DAY
From individual to office size,
our spectacular gifts
are overflowing with
good things to eat and to keep.
L (757)625-7421
AAAAAAAAA
our counselors are
good listeners.
Call us!
illl JFS
Clinical
Services
Call us at 473-2695.
Aaron Michael Barham will
celebrate his Rar Mitzvah on
Saturday, Apri 25 at Beth El
Temple. He is the son of Ronald
and Marshal Barham. His mater-
nal grandparents were Robert
and Rebecca Rosenbaum /of
blessed memory). His paternal
grandmother is Mrs. Nell
Barham and his paternal grandfa-
ther is O.P. Barham. Sr. (of
blessed memory).
Engagements
Ruth Ann Peltz and Scott
Moscovitz on their recent
engagement. Ruth Ann is the
daughter of Janet and Gerald
Peltz of Newport News and the
granddaughter of Evelyn Weise
of Baltimore. Scott is the son of
Ronnie and Jack Moscovitz of
Portsmouth and the grandson of
AI Hermelin of Norfolk
An August wedding is planned.
Honors
Dr. Arthur Kaplan, who was
presented with an Endowment
Achievement Award which was
originally announced at the
recent General Assembly in Indi-
anapolis. Dr. Kaplan was given
kudos at a recent meeting of the
Board of the Tidewater Jewish
Foundation for the fine efforts
and leadership which he has pro-
vided the Foundation and the
commumty.
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